those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
