"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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