When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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