Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
