Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
