I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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