Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
