yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
