Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
