after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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