Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
