Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
