i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
