C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
