My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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