He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
