but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
