so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
