we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
