whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
