She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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