don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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