i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
