Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
