I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
