I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
