last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
