Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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