Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm too high and old for this...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
