I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
