she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize