If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's official drugs can't kill me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
