dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
