i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
