I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
