after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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