Sponge bath it is.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize