I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
