Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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