I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
