thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i've created a new STD.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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