Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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