She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
