This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
