When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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