Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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