I will die if light touches me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
