I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
