Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
