I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
