Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
