life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
