Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
