youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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