So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
