community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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