you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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