Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
