the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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