i think i have two assholes
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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