That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
