Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
